Why a blog? Part 2
When I had my first child my world was rocked (see photo of my tiny baby & me). I had prepared for the birth, I had been teaching childbirth, newborn care, and other mom/ baby themes for 3 years before I had him, as well as trained as a doula and attended a birth before I had him in 2009. Basically, this information wasn’t new to me. I was scared but ready, or so I thought.
When it was my turn, it was just SO different when I experienced it myself. It felt like an assault to me on so many levels, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, all of it! Where should I even begin? How was I supposed to care for this baby when I felt so overwhelmed and in need of so much recovery and care myself? Would I ever feel like myself again?
I think this points to the fact that becoming a parent, is part information, absolutely, but also part transformation, surrender, flow, tears, joy, basically everything, a wild glorious animal of it’s own that’s beyond information, logistics, baby gear, or baby showers. No one can fully prepare you for what it really looks like to become a parent.
One of the things I longed for in that tender season was honest conversation about motherhood. For example, the way the highs blow your mind like seeing my son’s face for the first time poignantly gripping my whole being and yet the way the lows knock you so low it’s terrifying. I remember 2 weeks postpartum feeling trapped and suffocated and all I wanted to do was escape. I wasn’t sure I could do it, the panic was setting in. What was this new life? Again, will I ever return to myself? Who can I talk to about this?
I would meet a mom out somewhere and none of the conversations ever went to the depth I was needing. We would talk about sleep, or our births, or some new baby gear but I was longing for an honest, raw conversation where I wouldn’t feel judged or like I was saying I wanted to give my baby back when I said how hard it was. I didn’t fully know it then but now I know you can love your baby and also really struggle and need to say hard things that make you a bad mom. It’s ok to not love every second of mothering, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.
Our groups at Mama Bloom are A LOT of what I wrote above, vulnerable and open spaces to talk honestly, to celebrate and to be seen in the struggle without feeling judged. Creating spaces like this are part of my life purpose and yet I felt a blog calling me this year. So, I am heeding the call to start a blog to add my voice (and maybe others) to the myriad of beautiful voices already speaking into this space. I am hoping we might fill some gaps that aren’t being talked about and if by any chance this helps propel some of these themes into the souls of mothers and makes them feel a little less alone, a little less crazy, and somehow more connected to the sisterhood of motherhood, then I will have done my part! Also, if it doesn’t, I am learning a lot a long the way and enjoying the writing process. Ha!
So, if you are reading this…Welcome! It’s an honor to have you reading and it’s an honor to be sharing in this space. xo Nicole